Should I start with a happy note or a depressing one?  Depressing? Ok– let’s get it out of the way. 

I’m having a hard time with my SCH.  Its been two weeks now since my first big scare; the bleeding cleared up for a while but has picked up again. Every day –even on good days– its the first and last thing I think about: what is going on inside my body right now?   Will this baby be OK?  This baby couldn’t be more loved or wanted, and that makes it so hard to face the unknown.  Its a good thing that I’m in the second trimester, I’ve heard, because SCHs that end in miscarriage usually do so earlier in the pregnancy…  And maybe I’ll know more after our Level II ultrasound at the end of the month (a more indepth ultrasound might be able to pinpoint the clot, which my obstetrician couldn’t do, and thus tell us something about the severity of the condition).  But in the meantime its hard not to rush off to the OB’s office every time I see a little blood, and request an ultrasound to make sure all’s right with our little baby (my doctor specificially said not to come in unless the bleeding was substantially worse or more painful).  I’m honestly pretty fearful about getting bad news at that big ultrasound, which makes the time between now and then pretty unbearable.

But not every moment is full of that kind of heavy anxiety, so I’ll end with a happier story.  We have been keeping this pregnancy a “secret” from Ruby because we were concerned that she wouldn’t understand the concept of a baby arriving so far in the future and I didn’t want to stress her out about it.  But after our last (emergency) ultrasound, I brought home a profile picture of the baby and posted it on the fridge so I could look at it everyday and be encouraged.  Ruby looks at it every day too, and she’s commented more than once that it looks like the pics she’s seen of herself in utero, but we told her it was a picture of “mommy’s belly” and she seemed pretty content with that. Dru wanted to wait a little longer to tell her– he was envisioning a scenario at the park or somewhere where he could point out siblings and talk to Ruby about what it would be like with one of her own.  That sounded nice to me too, but I don’t like keeping secrets (especially good ones) so I bugged and bugged Dru to let me go ahead and tell Ruby about the baby.  He finally acquiesced (or did he? I can’t remember. Maybe I just went ahead with it…)

Ruby was finishing up her dinner, and I went and got the video camera and the ultrasound photo.  While she ate her peas, I recorded a little interview with Ruby where I asked her about the picture and what she thought it might be (she said it is mommy’s belly).  Dru asked her about when she was in my belly— was she tiny, medium sized, or huge?  She said she was tiny– and I told her that the picture is of a tiny baby, too.  She started to get concerned.  We talked more about it and finally I just told her there’s a baby in my stomach, and its going to grow bigger and bigger and bigger until finally it comes out, just like she did.  It would be a little brother, or a little sister.  She looked at me, and looked at my belly, then grabbed a handful of peas and shoved them in her mouth and said, “I like peas!”  That was her way of subtly changing the subject, I guess. 

After I turned off the camera, the news settled in and she seemed more excited– she declared that it will be a brother (we’ll see!) and offered to give him some of her Flintstones vitamins (which is a really big deal, because she thinks they’re candy and they are her absolute favorite thing in the world).  Its nice that Ruby knows.  Yesterday I bought her a Big Sister tee to celebrate. 

Little Baby Avance, you are wanted and loved!!! Be safe.